IDENTIKIT ( 5 Christmas cards )


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Text John L. Bell/ Image Graham Maule, copyright (c) 2001 WGRG, Iona Community, Glasgow G2 3DH, Scotland

Available as long as stocks last

With a small image of sports shoes hanging in the sky and a text/ script in which a detective trying to build up a picture of Mary, Jesus’ mother. Two witnesses give their widely-divergent descriptions, demonstrating our own culture’s tendency to over-sentimentalised cliche…

No greeting

Pack of 5, with envelopes

Colours: blue on white 250gsm matt art board

Size: A6, 4 pages




Detective:    So, you say you saw her.
A:    Well, not exactly ‘saw’, but we know plenty who did.
B:    Plenty, aye.
Detective:    So, what was she like?
A:    She’d be about 28 or 29.
B:    29 if she was a day.
A:    She was about 5’2”, or 5’3”.
B:    5’3” at the very most.
A:    And she had a pale complexion,… very white.
B:    She could have been taken for a corpse.
A:    And she was thin… very thin. In fact, maybe even anorexic.
B:    Anorexic, aye.
Detective:    And how was she dressed?
A:    In blue.
B:    Blue, aye.
Detective    Just one blue eye, was it?
(Puzzled looks)
A:    She had a blue thing over her head.
Detective:    A balaclava perhaps?
B:    (Dead serious) No it was too big for a balaclava. It was more like a shawl.
A:    Hanging down.
B:    Hanging down, aye.
A:    And she had a long blue dress, in fact, it was more like a cloak, … just like a nun.
B:    Like Mother Theresa herself, God rest her soul.
Detective:    Mother Theresa died in her 90s.
A:    (Indignant) She was like Mother Theresa in her early 30s.
B:    30s, aye.
Detective:    Did you hear her speak? Did she have an accent?
A:    She was very quiet,
B:    Quiet, aye.
Detective:    She didn’t have a noisy eye?
(Puzzled silence)
A:    She never spoke up.
B:    She wouldn’t say boo to a goose.
A:    Very soft spoken
B:    You could hardly hear her.
A:    But she had a cultured accent.
B:    Quiet posh actually.
A:    But quiet.
B:    Quiet, aye…

Detective:    Anything else? Anything else you know or noticed?
A:    She kept herself composed.
B:    Composed, aye… like Beethoven.
A:    She could sit still for ages.
B:    She could hear the grass growing.
A:    Very placid nature.
B:    Placid, aye.
Detective:    What about a name?
A:    I don’t know, but I imagine it would be something like…Zephyrella
B:    or maybe Lorentia
A:    or Carminaria
B:    … aye, or maybe even Emphysima.
Detective:    So… She’s small, 28, dressed in blue from top to toe, politely spoken, placid, and called by some exotic name.
A:    That’s her, Sergeant.
B:    That’s the very wumman.
Detective:    It may be the very woman, but it’s not who we’re looking for.
A:    Who’s that then?
Detective:    She’s about 16 and a half, 5’10”, athletic, wears jeans, stripy pullovers and Doc Martens, weighs about 10 stone, helps out in a joiner’s shop, sings in a folk group, and looks 8 months pregnant.
A:    And what’s her name, Sergeant?
Detective:    Mary.
A:    Oh, that couldn’t possibly be her!
B:    No, it couldn’t be her!


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