Detective: So, you say you saw her.
A: Well, not exactly ‘saw’, but we know plenty who did.
B: Plenty, aye.
Detective: So, what was she like?
A: She’d be about 28 or 29.
B: 29 if she was a day.
A: She was about 5’2”, or 5’3”.
B: 5’3” at the very most.
A: And she had a pale complexion,… very white.
B: She could have been taken for a corpse.
A: And she was thin… very thin. In fact, maybe even anorexic.
B: Anorexic, aye.
Detective: And how was she dressed?
A: In blue.
B: Blue, aye.
Detective Just one blue eye, was it?
A: She had a blue thing over her head.
Detective: A balaclava perhaps?
B: (Dead serious) No it was too big for a balaclava. It was more like a shawl.
A: Hanging down.
B: Hanging down, aye.
A: And she had a long blue dress, in fact, it was more like a cloak, … just like a nun.
B: Like Mother Theresa herself, God rest her soul.
Detective: Mother Theresa died in her 90s.
A: (Indignant) She was like Mother Theresa in her early 30s.
B: 30s, aye.
Detective: Did you hear her speak? Did she have an accent?
A: She was very quiet,
B: Quiet, aye.
Detective: She didn’t have a noisy eye?
A: She never spoke up.
B: She wouldn’t say boo to a goose.
A: Very soft spoken
B: You could hardly hear her.
A: But she had a cultured accent.
B: Quiet posh actually.
A: But quiet.
B: Quiet, aye…
Detective: Anything else? Anything else you know or noticed?
A: She kept herself composed.
B: Composed, aye… like Beethoven.
A: She could sit still for ages.
B: She could hear the grass growing.
A: Very placid nature.
B: Placid, aye.
Detective: What about a name?
A: I don’t know, but I imagine it would be something like…Zephyrella
B: or maybe Lorentia
A: or Carminaria
B: … aye, or maybe even Emphysima.
Detective: So… She’s small, 28, dressed in blue from top to toe, politely spoken, placid, and called by some exotic name.
A: That’s her, Sergeant.
B: That’s the very wumman.
Detective: It may be the very woman, but it’s not who we’re looking for.
A: Who’s that then?
Detective: She’s about 16 and a half, 5’10”, athletic, wears jeans, stripy pullovers and Doc Martens, weighs about 10 stone, helps out in a joiner’s shop, sings in a folk group, and looks 8 months pregnant.
A: And what’s her name, Sergeant?
A: Oh, that couldn’t possibly be her!
B: No, it couldn’t be her!